Black Sheep, White Party

This is my first time blogging so here goes nothing.

Today is my second day on Adz. (Adzenyz), it was a rough start. I spent the first half of my morning researching cheap vacation destinations: Thailand, Greece, and South Africa- if you really want to know. I haven’t been on a vacation in years, not that I need one since I am yet again unemployed. The idea of traveling in my 20s is invigorating and also frustrating since I see tons of people my age traveling the world. How the heck do they pay for it?!  When I have a job I can’t get the time to take off work, and when I am free I don’t have the money. Money seems to be the main inhibiting factor in a lot of my whims.

Like how do people my age afford to travel? I have bills, 2 precious dogs, a job (some of the time), and every month is a struggle to keep a roof over our heads even with three people living under one roof and contributing to rent. Maybe some lucky millennials get their family to financially support them. But what about everyone else?

Anywhoo, not exactly the topic I had in mind for tonight. Let’s get back to this morning… So Adz. has a few side effects like normal drugs; I am experiencing insomnia (even when I’m not on meds), and lack of appetite (yayy!). Here’s hoping my lack of appetite is a kickstarter for me to lose 48lbs of post college weight. So I only slept for 2 hours last night and am still going strong without a nap. Yesterday I felt happy and sharp (mentally) on Adz. While today I felt sad for a good chuck of the day.

Here’s what happened:

My lovely cousin flew in from Alaska and I originally planned on staying home instead of meeting my family for lunch. Well as all moms do, I received a stern phone call with the words “Don’t you ever think about anyone other than yourself?!.” So apparently my mom though it was selfish of me to not attend lunch, even though I’m sure my cousins could care less if they saw me. Don’t get me wrong, they are lovely family members, the issue is me. I feel like the black sheep or red headed child of my family. Attending lunch felt like I was a black sheep attending a white party. I feel like an outsider around the people I grew up closest to. My family has treated me differently since I moved into a new economic household that was vastly different from my low-income roots. My personality probably changed too into being a snobbly teenager at the time. However, at the present I lack self confidence to even want to see my own family. I currently am not close to anyone except for my mom and my boyfriend. I don’t have friends locally because I am terrible at keeping up friendships. So my interaction with people on a daily basis is very limited by choice. I believe that others think of me as “annoying”. This self depreciating thought has taken over all social aspects of my life. I would rather not be around people, than for them to be annoyed with me or complaining about me behind my back. In my family, I am the most complained about person of all time, as well as the most criticized.

Here’s an example: I told my family that my new years resolution was to be cruelty-free in the cosmetic and skin care products I purchase. Now I feel like normal people would not make a big deal about this and maybe even commend someone on not harming bunnies or even just sticking to a new years resolution 3 months into 2017. Instead my family just made fun or me. The typical vegan jokes, except I’m not vegan. Something about eating plants and burning fossil fuels and I only went cruelty free to spend more money (I was a shop-acholic at one point in my life).

Realistically, being cruelty free doesn’t cost any more than not having a preference over they way products are tested. I switched from Dove soap to handmade soap, from Gain to Method detergent. My family only took me seriously once I revealed that switching to handmade natural soap made all of my back acne go away. So Yayy Me! So this is just one trivial incident alluding to me being the family dart board.

The whole time I kept thinking, my mom is right about making an effort to see my family. BUT my cousins wouldn’t care if I was there or not. WHY does my mom care if I show my face or not? AND I went into hermit crab mode because I don’t have the self esteem to feel important, missed, wanted, or appreciated in my family. PLUS I realized that when I lived home with my parents interacting with my cousins was just a way of life. NOW that I live in my own apartment, I actually don’t have the instinct to socialize. SO that was that. Endured a little harassment, made it out alive.

By the time I left my parents house, the second dose of my medication was kicking in. I felt much happier and back to being a normal functioning human being. So now hours later, here I am writing this all down because I have insomnia. Typing seems to be way better than manually writing out every thought in my head. I did that yesterday and my hands hurt from writing so much and trying to get my thoughts down so quickly. I even had pen smudged pages and ink all over my hand. It feels like a luxury to actually write in a journal with a pen, since everything is computer based these days. The reality is that manual writing takes longer, and is messy.

Today I CHOSE to be happier than a bird with a french fry. It may not have been every second of the day, but I do choose to feel happy.

XOXO Klair


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